Emerging from the Underground station he was confronted by lots of noise, masses of people rushing and pushing to get to their destinations, and traffic; numerous black taxis - each one seeming to have a jammed horn - and large, red, double-decked buses, interspersed with motor cars, motor-bikes and bicycles. As he paused at the top of the stairs, enjoying all the noise, activity and colour, he looked up and - on the side of a passing red bus - read the legend:

Being a Scot who has spent most of his working life in England [and other areas abroad] I can relate to our French friend. Let's face it, the non-phonetic nuances of the English [sic] language are something else. For example, how do you explain words like thought, through and though which look as if they should sound alike but don't, and bow or bough which look as if they should sound entirely different but sound the same?
Personal experience quickly taught me the need to soften my accent and greatly decrease my speed of speech - more so if I wanted to do mundane things like EAT!

I mean, asking simple questions like; "Haw, dizzattbusgotaeWoodgreen, Jimmy?" † or "Wherrsabestplace furrabevvy, pal?" † brought strange looks and standard replies like, "You wot, myte?" ‡ or, perhaps, "Wot you bleedin' talkin' abaht ya Jock git!?" ‡
Now, when you are simply enquiring if the London Transport vehicle indicated would take one to Wood Green or where could you find the nearest pub and these are the type of replies you get, you tend to think - do these guys understand English!
To complicate matters more, throughout the United Kingdom, regional accents vary immensely, not only from country to country but, indeed, from different sectors of individual counties, and, in extreme cases, from estate to estate.

Having worked hard at cultivating a method of communication whereby you're understood can bring it's own particular problems.
On returning to your home country and speaking in your newly acquired, well modulated, and internationally understood, accent - you invariably are asked,"Whitsamatterwaeyoo? † Gonnaetalkrightinn'at!YurnoinInglan noo!" † So, what do you do? Lapse back into the vernacular - only to have to start all over again when you get back to your place of work.

Most recent encounter with misunderstood English was, when on installing, and trying to set -up, Voice recognition software, my normally friendly PC responded with the equivalent of; "You wot, myte? Don't know what yer talkin' abaht!"
This prompted the thought that some software programmes give the option of American English or British English as spelling aids - whilst others do not!.
My curiosity aroused I went searching for some answers.First point of reference was the Oxford dictionary. This highly respected publication gave the following definition:
English: A adj.1 Of, pertaining to, or designating the group of Germanic peoples (Saxon and Jutes, as well as Angles) who invaded and settled in Britain in the 5th Century AD (or in post-Conquest times) the pre-Conquest Germanic inhabitants of England and their descendants.
B. n. 1 Orig., the language spoken by the Germanic invaders of Britain in the 5th Century AD. Now, the language descended from this, used in Britain, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, the US, Canada and many other countries.

What started out as a simple exercise - writing a piece to qualify for some work via the Internet - became directly responsible for triggering schizophrenic symptoms and, at the same time, giving an insight as to why, perhaps, Germany is at this time actively lobbying for a `United Europe'.

In closing, I'd like to relate an incident which took place in the US of A at Disney World, Florida during a recent family holiday. I was paid what I took as the supreme compliment. We'd made lots of friends both from the US and much further afield. Accompanying some of the youngsters - on our way to buy hot-dogs - we talked as we walked. After a minute or so one of the gang [from Philidelphia] stopped, looked at me and asked," Jay, where do you really come from?" I smiled and said, "Scotland, a little place near England." The lad shook his head and said, "No way, you're not English - I can understand everything you say!"

Note: It is appreciated that some slight translation may be required;-)
† 1)"Excuse me. Could you advise if this omnibus would take me to Wood Green?"
2)"My friend, if it is not too much trouble, could you please point me in the direction of the nearest establishment where I can partake of your excellent English ales and, perhaps, cuisine?"
3) "Whatever has become of you - are you feeling alright?"
4) "Please refrain from using that ridiculous accent. After all, you are not in England at the moment!"

‡ 1) "Terribly sorry, old chap, but could you possibly repeat the question?"
2) "What the Devil are you going on about - you barbaric Scot's person?"